Category: Uncategorized

I originally posted this after the murder of George Floyd in June 2020 (he died on the 25th May 2020). He was at the time the same age as I am now. It seems like such a pivotal point for many, including myself, in our journey around awareness of race and privilege. Since then it has been important to me to deepen my understanding and so I started studying Resmaa Menakem’s book My Grandmother’s Hands in a group. This book is a deep exploration of the embodied nature of racialised trauma, it feels to me a powerful love letter, inviting everyone to find healing. Resmaa also offers a free online ecourse: https://courses.culturalsomaticsinstitute.com/courses/cultural-somatics-free-5-session-ecourse and more in depth training.

I have maintained my interest in developing myself in this area, more recently following the work of Tricia Hersey that you can find here: http://www.triciahersey.com/ and Tema Okun’s work that you can find here: https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/

Here is the original article:

I haven’t posted on social media in a while, trying to get my head around what is happening in the world at the moment, and how to express how I feel about it all and how I do that in a way which is authentic and respectful of others, and not about being performative.

This image by Lorie Shaull (www.lorieshaull.com) speaks to me in lots of ways; of how art is so impactful in expressing those things that need more than words; the combination of George Floyd’s image, the names of other black people murdered by police, the words ‘say our names’ and the flowers and tributes left by others. It speaks to me of how ritual and acknowledgement are so important in coming to terms with death, and how different sorts of ritual and acknowledgement feel called for in this situation. The mural in the picture is by Xena Goldman https://www.instagram.com/xenastuff/ Cadex Herrera https://www.instagram.com/cadexherrera/ Greta McLain https://www.instagram.com/gretamclain/ Niko Alexander https://www.instagram.com/nikoalexander9 Maria Javier https://www.instagram.com/maria.javier.98434997/ and Pablo Hernandez https://www.instagram.com/dog_bowl_repairman/ and has been created on the corner of 38th Street and Chicago Avenue South where George Floyd was arrested and murdered by police – the very people sworn to protect and serve, entrusted with power they abused. And whilst there are lots of pieces of art and murals being created around the world in response to George’s death, this permanent reminder of what happened feels so significant in this location – the place where he died. And there is something really important for me in knowing George’s name, and saying it. And in knowing and saying the names of all the people who have been murdered for the colour of their skin. This is not an isolated killing – it may have more media coverage than other murders, and part of what stands out to me in this mural is that it acknowledges the other people that I hadn’t heard of.

In thinking about all of this since it happened, my thoughts have turned towards the grief work that I do and how difficult this is in working with loss that isn’t deliberate, and how much more complicated this becomes when the person who has died is murdered by another human being, and when this is because of the colour of their skin, and has its roots in a culture that is racist. And how the white privilege of my skin means I do not know how it feels to wake up each day having fear that I might be treated in this way, and that when I surround myself with other white people, I do not fear that my loved ones will be lost in this way.

I feel a heaviness in my heart that as human beings we can do this and for how I have contributed to this by my own passivity. I feel I have much work to do in the position of privilege that I have, and I’m committed to doing work in this area in a way that is embodied rather than developing my knowledge on its own.

I usually tag my posts with art in them as #cathARTic and this does not feel like it is about the catharsis I usually mean – I am not looking for comfort here – as Cesar Cruz says “Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.” – too long have I been comfortable.

This blog article was originally written after a wonderful experience in Bilbao in September 2019 with the international Hakomi conference. Reading back over it is moving, especially the poem. To re-remember that experience and how it felt to be with people I know well and others I didn’t know at all and yet felt familiar through our shared connection of our common interest in this practice of Hakomi. It seems fitting publishing this on my website as preparations are underway for the next international meeting that will go ahead in Mexico. I won’t be going to this and I feel sad not to be with others and also know this is the right decision for my just now with all that I am doing in life. Here are my reflections on that time back in 2019:

I spent just over a week in Bilbao at an international Hakomi conference. It has been a profound experience for me on so many levels and it is difficult to put into words what it all means.

To join so many people from all over the world and connect with them through our humanness, not just our shared practice of Hakomi, feels such a privilege. To go to the conference as a practitioner and an organiser, made it all the more special, and it was great to be a part of discussions about the future of our Hakomi community and how we might shape it and support those who have been carrying so much of Ron Kurtz’s legacy since he died in 2011.

It was a great learning for me to see the difference between our Hakomi practice and the Hakomi Education Network (HEN) and I felt like I came to a new understand of HEN as a vehicle that allows us to share Hakomi with the world, as well as maintain and develop our quality of practice that is so relevant to our deeper purpose of changing the world. These may seem like high aspirations, but when you have seen how Hakomi touches and transforms a human being… when you have been that person who is touched, it becomes easy to understand this feeling of a deeper purpose.

We talked a lot about leadership and what we would want a HEN leadership to focus on for the future. Our work in this was facilitated by Ross Gilchrist who brought so much to our community from his expertise in leadership development. When the call went out for volunteers to support this development work, I was reticent to put my name forward and at the same time curious, enthusiastic about what the community wanted to do, and feeling like I had something to offer from my own skills and experience. It wasn’t until some precious people in my life also suggested I put my name forward, that I actually did! Hearing something of my own inner hopes and ideas about myself echoed through others is such a beautiful thing, and to have them see in me the potential to contribute in this way gave me the confidence and affirmation to volunteer.

A turning point in the week for me was to hear about our new ethical framework, and how much of the heart of Hakomi it carries. I felt so much gratitude towards those who worked so hard to produce this beautifully crafted piece of writing. Unlike other ethical frameworks I’ve read, this came across as so much more than words on a page; it feels to me like a living thing that can create and hold space for the difficulties we have in relationships and with imbalances of power. It gives us a framework and support for having courageous conversations about the difficulties we might face, and to help us resolve them or manage them where this is not possible, recognising that not all conflict can be fully resolved. This ethical framework is an invitation to a spiritual practice of returning again and again to our best selves and a position of self study. A beautiful quote that was shared in this part of the conference was from Miller Williams; “Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.” This feels so poignantly true and not always easy to hold in the face of those behaviours, and helps me recognise the need for compassion with my own conceit, bad manners and cynicism.

Seeing our process unfold as a community, in distilling down to what we really want and what is the real essence of what we want to bring to the world as the Hakomi Education Network was such an interesting experience to be part of. I enjoyed the creative aspects of creating a vision board in a group together, and the joy of being able to share my own ideas and what is in my heart for the community and I also felt my edges in the frustrations of not having my voice heard, or giving way to others’ ideas about things. Being able to hand four words to the new Leadership Team that would act as a guiding light of what we cannot lose felt like a rich experience, and both unbelievable that so many of us could come to those words, and also not enough. Conscious. Responsive. Heart-centred. Community. These are the things we cannot lose.

Alongside this precious time in Bilbao, the experience of traveling on my own to another country had its challenges for me. By chance I met someone on the journey that I could travel with which really eased my mind. The practicalities of settling into a different culture, finding my way around, having more time on my own, not having the usual things to do and navigating being vegetarian in another country had both its highs and lows, and was made so much easier having shared accommodation with some amazing people. These were precious times indeed. The significance of meeting in Bilbao and this being a symbol of transformation, paralleled with each of us, symbols of transformation, and with the practice of Hakomi, itself a way of transforming and which has been so much a part of my own experience of transformation.

For the last few days of the Hakomi conference, the doors were opened to anyone wanting to experience Hakomi. Contained within this for me, were moments of beauty and connection that felt really powerful and are still with me to this day. From a practitioner perspective, it was so interesting to see how people work all over the world, how practices are different and yet they are to me, so recognisably Hakomi. This reinforces again how creative a practice this is, one which holds space for everyone. From a personal level, to be with people that I love from this community, and to get to know people I haven’t known as well, to meet new people and feel so connected, is so heart opening, so moving and so precious. To be able to be vulnerable in my introversion, feeling at times overwhelmed by the enormity of what was happening; over a hundred people, gathered in a room, practicing Hakomi together, is a truly amazing experience!

There is a William James quote that was shared during our time in Bilbao: “we with our lives are like islands in the sea, or like trees in the forest. The maple and the pine may whisper to each other with their leaves… But the trees also commingle their roots in the darkness underground, and the islands also hang together through the ocean’s bottom.” This feels such a beautiful representation of how I see the Hakomi community and what happened in Bilbao.

I wrote this poem in response to my experience and it feels like it captures some of what it felt like to be there:

Human poetry

I move in the ordinariness of my life,

Feeling extraordinary.

Still moved by the touch of your love;

Yes, yours!

Carried in a bubble of warmth and tenderness.

Steeped in human poetry; seen and heard, felt and carried in my heart.

My world is not the same because of you;

You that have carried so much for so long, for me and for others,

You that taught the steps to gracefully dance in courageous conversations,

You who saw me when I thought I was unseen,

You who carried the tender of our meeting,

You who saw my courage,

You that I know and yet you showed me more of you; you dared to share something precious.

You that I did not know at all except through the words of another;

On your face I saw my pain, and you shared the magical flame you saw me whisper in the dark.

You that met me in my shame with your gentleness.

You that saw me with new eyes and heard me with new ears.

You, my guide light from afar, guiding me in to land each day.

You that shared your pain, up close and from a distance.

You that I did not speak to at all, that travelled from near and far,

All of you that I shared time and food and space and words with; precious meetings.

All these lives, touched and touching, moved and moving.

Too many moments to fit in these small words.

Too many moments that move me still so I try to fit them in these small words.

Now I am left, transformed by you,

Yes, you!

Holding such gratitude and love for you.

Two small words that hold so much in this moment:

Thank you.

This article was originally written back at the beginning of 2019 when I first started writing my blog.

If you are here, it is likely that you are looking for help of some sort. I often describe my own journey as finding pieces of a jigsaw that help me make sense of things. Sometimes I find these inside of myself, sometimes they come from others.

Finding help for me has been something of a challenge over the years, and in setting up my website and writing profiles on various directories, I have been thinking about how I might make that easier for someone, for you hopefully. I’ve reflected on the things that have worked for me, and in truth, I find it difficult when faced with a list of people, who all write about how many things they can support me with, and have so much information. It seems overwhelming.

So what I try to offer in all my writings, is something of who I am. The research is clear, it is not the technique that is helpful, it is the relationship (Cooper, 2008). So it feels important in deciding who you work with to consider the relationship and how you feel with them. This is part of why I offer a 30 minute free consultation, to meet and experience something of what it would be like for us to work together.

The UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) website has an article about this topic and in it asks a few questions that feel really important in meeting someone new and it can sometimes be useful to wait for a day or so after you meet them to ask these things (you can find the original article here https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/seeking-therapy/how-to-choose-a-psychotherapist/):

• Would I feel comfortable telling them about intimate details of my life?
• Do I feel safe with them?
• Do I like their manner towards me?
• Could I be completely open with them?

One of the most powerful experiences I’ve had in working with a therapist was when I was asked to talk about my life using stones. They were all different shapes and sizes and so I picked different ones to represent people in my life and one to represent me. I placed the stones around me at different distances and talked about the people I feel connected to. At the end the therapist gave me the stone I’d chosen to represent myself. This was such an impactful expression of how I see therapy – as the therapist giving you back to yourself.

I hope that these words might be helpful in starting your journey to find someone to work with. It can be such a life changing experience to work with someone in this way and I hope that you’re able to find the right person for you.

If you are looking for therapy or have found it – what has helped you in that process? If you are already a therapist, how does this change how you look for therapy? I’d be really interested to hear more from you.

If you like to read, I found this blog article quite useful and it gives some practical steps to help you find someone: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/blog/2018/09/24/how-to-find-a-counsellor

I also like this article from Mind which really gives lots of different options about ways to get therapy (including how to get free therapy through the NHS, charities, work or study: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/

Reference:

Cooper, M. (2008). The facts are friendly. Therapy Today, 19 (7), 8-13.